how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
