I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
