I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
