You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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