the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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