God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Semen is not good for contacts.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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