So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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