Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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