I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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