I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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