my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
