I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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