R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
