Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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