I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
