The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
