I should be sponsored by Trojan
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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