I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize