you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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