I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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