I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
