I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
