He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
