The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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