I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
