I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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