I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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