Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
