i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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