The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
