I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
