I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
