i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
