and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
