Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
