Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
