My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We left the knife in your bed.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
