Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
