24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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