So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
