So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
