my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
