and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
