I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
