So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
