I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
