Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
