Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
