you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
