I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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