Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
