dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
