im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
