i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
