Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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