this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
