her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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