Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
