Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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