I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
