I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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